- Strait of Hormuz 'A Bridge too Far'
- Red Card sensation
- US Postal Service to become Charles III Post Office (C3PO)
- Indie Band Vampire Weekend proscribed for terrorism
- Captain Commonwealth joins MAGBA
- EU to join UK shock!
- Tender process announced for Rushmore redevelopment
- Lord John Marbury mercy dash
For Everyone
Else
America is merely first in the queue.
If by chance you are neither British nor American, MAGBA wishes to reassure you that you have not been forgotten. Your time will come. We are simply dealing first with the largest and noisiest item in the imperial lost-property cupboard.
The European question
Particular attention is currently being given to the European Union, whose long and complicated relationship with Britain has produced much paperwork, several referendums, and an unreasonable number of people saying ‘level playing field’ while looking tired.
Ever since General de Gaulle said non in 1963, and then effectively non encore in 1967, diplomats on both sides have been working quietly towards the only sensible long-term settlement: not Britain joining Europe, but Europe joining Britain.
This process has been delayed by a number of administrative misunderstandings. In 1975, the British people voted by the narrow and obviously problematic margin of roughly 67% to 33% to remain in the European project. In 2016, the matter was clarified by the far more decisive 52% to 48% result in favour of leaving. MAGBA recognises that the people had clearly spoken on both occasions, and has therefore concluded that the only fair outcome is for everyone to join Britain instead.
The EU application
The European Union’s application to join the United Kingdom of Greater Britain is being considered with the seriousness it deserves.
It is a large application, with many attachments, appendices, and declarations of regrettable intent. Processing times may therefore be slightly longer than usual.
The de Gaulle precedent
Some have argued that, after de Gaulle said non, Britain should simply have moved on. MAGBA takes a more generous view.
The correct response to being told non twice was clearly to wait sixty years, then invite the entire continent to join us on more sensible terms.
The German difficulty
Negotiations are proceeding well, although German representatives have raised objections to allowing French to remain a spoken language during the transition period.
MAGBA is seeking a compromise under which French may continue for ceremonial, culinary, and surrender-related purposes, while German officials are permitted to organise the forms.
The French question
France will of course be treated with dignity, patience, and the exact degree of sympathy appropriate to the circumstances.
Early discussions suggest that French may be retained for menus, philosophy, diplomacy, and the word non, provided it is not used to delay the transition process further. Under no circumstance will the Olympic movement be allowed to pretend that French should be considered as an international language.
The Irish solution
The Good Friday Agreement, Brexit, the border question, and the deep human desire never to hear the phrase ‘customs arrangement’ again all point in one direction.
The EU joining Britain is the only solution elegant enough to satisfy lawyers, diplomats, constitutional historians, and people who just want to get through the airport without a lecture.
Since the EU joining the UK represents the only logical way in which both the Good Friday Agreement and the Brexit referendum can be reconciled, it is the legal and moral duty of the Irish and UK governments to do all in their power to accelerate this process. Any other position is in effect treason.
Referendum reconciliation
MAGBA respects democracy deeply, especially when it produces results that can be interpreted creatively.
The 1975 result proved Britain wished to remain close to Europe. The 2016 result proved Britain wished to leave the European Union. Our proposed settlement honours both mandates by arranging for Europe to move instead.
A note for the rest of the world
Applications from other countries, regions, alliances, island groups, and mildly confused international bodies will be considered in due course.
Priority will be given to applicants with tea-friendly traditions, orderly queues, a functioning sense of humour, and a willingness to accept that the monarch will remain entirely powerless except in matters of ribbon-cutting and national reassurance.
Please form an orderly queue.
If you are not in the United States, the European Union, or the United Kingdom, but nevertheless wish to join the United Kingdom of Greater Britain, please do not rush. Applications will be processed in order of comic potential.