- Strait of Hormuz 'A Bridge too Far'
- Red Card sensation
- US Postal Service to become Charles III Post Office (C3PO)
- Indie Band Vampire Weekend proscribed for terrorism
- Captain Commonwealth joins MAGBA
- EU to join UK shock!
- Tender process announced for Rushmore redevelopment
- Lord John Marbury mercy dash
Keep Calm
and Keep Queueing
on the peaceful re-admission of our younger cousins.
The Provisional Government of Greater Britain recognises that the reassimilation of over 330 million Americans may give rise to feelings of mild trepidation. Some citizens may even foresee the need to write a stiff letter. MAGBA understands – writing a stiff letter is equivalent to DEFCON 4 in the old terminology.
Questions have been raised.
Will British culture survive? Will our institutions be protected? Will we suddenly find ourselves surrounded by people who believe ‘burglarize’ is a real word?
The Government is pleased to reassure the public that extensive safeguards have been put in place. Britain has faced serious challenges before. We survived rationing. We survived the seventies. We survived Eurovision voting. With discipline, tea, and a properly managed transition programme, we shall survive this too.
Culture: fully protected
British traditions will remain intact. These include queueing, understatement, talking about the weather, and quietly judging people who fail to queue.
Applicants from the former United States will be introduced gradually to the sacred national art of saying ‘mustn’t grumble’ while clearly intending to grumble for another twenty minutes.
Language: English restored
Perhaps the most frequently asked questions concern the use, or rather misuse, of English. The Government can confirm that English will remain the official language. There was, after all, no such language as American English.
Extensive support will be provided on proper spelling, the spelling and pronunciation of aluminium, the difference between biscuits and gravy, and the distinction between a noun and a verb. Firm but fair penalties are being introduced to address non-compliance. King Charles has insisted that the death penalty should not be considered for cases of this nature.
Driving: roundabout readiness
The sudden influx of drivers entirely unaccustomed to roundabouts will be managed through a mandatory three-stage adaptation programme. All three stages must be passed to renew a driving licence.
Stage 1 covers what a roundabout is. Stage 2 covers mini-roundabouts. Stage 3 explores, from a philosophical perspective, why there are roundabouts. There is no expectation that anyone will ever pass Stage 3.
Parliament: representation, but gently
Many Britons have expressed concern that American citizens may seek influence within Parliament. That absurdly naïve notion of linking representation to taxation does seem to have lingered.
A small number of Americans will be admitted to the House of Commons and House of Lords in a special capacity. To assist integration and give them something to do, table football, or as they say in their charming dialect ‘foosball’, and supervised flag-folding facilities will be provided in designated recreational areas.
Healthcare: the NHS remains
The National Health Service will remain unchanged in principle, though we may need extra pamphlets explaining that a visit to hospital does not require the sale of a family vehicle.
Counselling services will be available for Americans alarmed by the concept of treatment without bankruptcy. Please make every effort to reassure them that this does not mean you are a communist. Unless, of course, you are one.
Sport: temporary confusion expected
Cricket remains the national summer sport, despite, or possibly because of, the fact that no one has ever successfully explained the game to a visiting American within a single afternoon.
American football will be repositioned as Ersatz Rugby and will be encouraged in the Under-11 age group. More broadly, Britain will resume what it has always done best: inventing games, exporting them, and then becoming quietly annoyed when everyone else gets better at them.
Tea: non-negotiable
Tea standards remain absolute. Applicants may initially continue consuming coffee in private, provided curtains are drawn and no impressionable children are present.
All new citizens will be expected to demonstrate basic competency in tea preparation, biscuit selection, and the appropriate level of disappointment when offered lukewarm tea. A mild shrug: DEFCON 2.
Volume: indoor voices encouraged
Public volume will be addressed compassionately but firmly. Americans are not loud because they are wicked. They are loud because nobody has yet explained the restorative power of lowering one’s voice and letting silence do some of the work.
Training will be available at airports, restaurants, museums, and anywhere a Briton has ever winced.
Britain will remain Britain
The Government understands that some citizens may feel anxious about welcoming America back into the family. This is natural. After 250 years of independent living, our younger cousins require guidance, support, and occasionally firm supervision.
But nothing essential will be lost. The queues will remain orderly. The weather will remain discussable. And any parent using the term ‘diaperize’ will have all their children under the age of 40 immediately placed into a safe haven and made wards of court.
Keep calm. We have a plan.
The re-admission of America will be conducted with firmness, patience, humour, and an appropriate amount of ridicule. In time, they may even learn to say ‘sorry’ when someone else bumps into them.