The Office of the Commissioner has issued a formal Invitation to Tender for the redesign, improvement and appropriate constitutional correction of Mount Rushmore, South Dakota.

The proposed redevelopment will replace the current arrangement with four figures judged by the Independent Committee on Monumental Britishness to offer a more balanced, historically literate and reassuringly windswept statement of national purpose: Sir Winston Churchill, Queen Victoria, William Shakespeare and Admiral Lord Nelson.

Officials stressed that the announcement should not be interpreted as criticism of the existing occupants, who have served with distinction and will be relocated with the greatest possible dignity, subject to planning permission, weather, and available shelf space.

“We have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and procurement documentation.”

The Commissioner confirmed that the winning consortium will be selected through a transparent, competitive and unnecessarily lengthy process. Bidders must demonstrate experience in large-scale rock carving, heritage-grade facial seriousness, and the safe management of elderly statesmen at altitude.

Particular emphasis will be placed on workforce welfare. Tenderers must provide for regular tea breaks, weather-appropriate biscuits, and opportunities for after-work cricket tournaments. Six-a-side cricket will be acceptable during the enabling works phase, but full eleven-a-side provision will be expected once the site is properly established.

The Office has also made clear that toilet queue management will form a scored element of the tender. Bidders must provide evidence of queue education and training programmes designed to maximise the efficiency of portable toilet facilities during peak chisel periods.

Submissions must be made exclusively in Imperial measures. Chains, furlongs, yards, feet, inches and fractions thereof will be accepted. Metric dimensions may be included in a sealed appendix marked ‘for continental reassurance only’ but will not be evaluated.

Preliminary Construction Drawing

A full Biscuit Management Plan must also be submitted. This should identify the proposed balance of digestives, custard creams and emergency shortbread, together with contingency arrangements in the event of fig rolls being introduced by an over-innovative subcontractor.

The Office has warned that tenders submitted in American spelling will be returned unread, except where they are so egregious as to be retained for training purposes.

Risk assessments should address, at minimum, lightning strikes, falling masonry, excessive flag enthusiasm, disagreements about Shakespeare authorship, and the possibility that Nelson may appear to be looking at Victoria.

Contractors are reminded that this is a serious national infrastructure project and not, as one early market engagement participant unfortunately described it, “a very large novelty souvenir.”

The Commissioner expects tenders to be received by noon, or shortly afterwards if the queue at the document submission desk becomes unusually well behaved.

Further announcements will follow once the evaluation panel has completed scoring, moderation, rescoring, clarification, challenge, counter-clarification and the traditional pause while Finance asks whether this is strictly necessary.